Wednesday, January 25, 2012
i'm looking at the bigger picture
there were some wonderful moments in 2011; opportunities that presented themselves, allowing me to grow as a 'creative'. i made some incredible new friends, some of whom are most definitely kindred spirits. i made the life-changing decision to move two hours from cape town, to the sleepy little river town of stanford, where i made many more new, heavenly friends. but then i lost one of my most treasured, in the most horrific way. our village went into shock and mourning. my guts and my heart felt like they'd been ripped out of my chest and all that was left was someone who had no idea how to cope with the emptiness left behind. what a way to realise how much you loved someone. they say there are various stages of grief: well i don't seem to be venturing beyond shock.
the theft of her has given me perspective though: when you're left behind in the aftermath of a young mother's shocking death, you tend to realise that the people you love are the most important priorities on this earth and really, trivialities don't matter. when a mother of two is murdered in her home, even amongst the tears, searing pain, treacherous grief and terror, you come to a few realisations, including how little time you have. you're faced with your own mortality, and really, what it is you're going to do with this one wild life you're fortunate enough to be living.
possessions don't matter. the things you lack don't matter. your insecurities don't matter. your guilt doesn't matter. the things you battle to forgive yourself for - they don't matter - because, in the end, how much you gave of yourself and loved will be your legacy. how you treated people, will matter. how kind you were, will matter. how passionately you lived your life. how much you gave of yourself to your children, will matter. being true to yourself and living courageously - that will matter. opening your heart matters. so i'm done with chasing friendships with people who don't make me feel good about myself - there are enough people who love me. i'm done with pettiness - there are far more important things to spend my emotions on. i'm looking at the bigger picture now.
when people ask me how i felt about 2011, i'll always remember how i felt. new year, please be kind to our hearts.