it's a question my girlfriends and i have been asking ourselves for some time - where are the real men? the huntsmen, carpenters, the manly men? the beekeepers, the farmers, the lumberjack archetypes? i've realised why there are no real men anymore - they've missed out on that important chapter in their lives when they should have been building things, breaking things down, destroying things, creating them again, fixing things, using their hands, tending to repairs...i've heard murmurs of 'missing out on the army' for years, but this supposed explanation always failed to move me. now, i'm quite aware that i sound like the female equivalent of a 1950's beer-in-front-of-the-tv-drinking, impregnating, sexist cad - but women have only been allowed to have opinions for a few decades, so hear me out: our men have gone soft and they need saving.
i have a boy child, so i know how much a part of his nature it is to be attracted to masculine pursuits. you don't tell your child to love locomotives when he's 6 months old - he just does. if you're dead against toy guns, he'll fashion one out of a fallen branch, a dagger from a rock. you don't tell them to love fishing and hunting - they just do. boys are completely different to girls. it's in their genes, their wiring and in their spirits. therefore, boys who are growing up in front of televisions, playstation games, wii's and laptops are missing out on an incredibly important chapter of their manhood (besides for being inactive for hours and developing brain rot). it's dawned on me how these changes in society have brought about a generation of men who have forgotten how to be men. i know this must all seem terribly confusing to men who've heard women bleating on for years about needing men to be more sensitive and emotional. we take it all back! we're sorry! we'd prefer it if you'd spend your time making us furniture, rather than joining our craft blogs.
single parent families have a huge impact too - there are often no fathers around to give their young sons a masculine outlet or guide them on their path towards manhood. and us mothers are having to bring in an income, keep house, shop, cook and tend to children on our own, so i think it's a little unfair to think we could also fit in woodwork, building and fishing before dinner. my father is a real man who can chop wood, build, tile a bathroom, build a cupboard, race horses and still get home in time to cook a brilliant curry or a manly steak - they do exist.
so tell me ladies, would you prefer your man to build you a house, or make you a salad?
27 comments:
After that chat on fb about real men, I think this post is fantastic. Society has changed so much that being a real man nowadays consists of being able to change a tyre, cook a decent, edible meal, take photographs and enjoy the outdoors. Nothing is being said of taking care of a family, building a home, being handy, strong and gentlemanly. Hmm. Not sure where I'm going with this. I had a bit of a moment this weekend in the mall with my two kids in a trolley and I just burst into tears. They were shouting and playing and people were staring and I was tired and hungry and I just thought... HOW am I ever supposed to do this alone? But I know I can. I am a strong capable woman. And maybe, one day, a man will join our little circus. But for now, I will wait and hope and get on with life... Thanks Thaya.
Good point, Lorien! One of the most manly things a man can do is support his family - another 'manly' aspect so sorely lacking in our generation.
When I was little, I used to beg for lego for every birthday and christmas. I'd rip open the box, follow the instructions and build whatever they told me to. Once I'd done this, I would disassemble the model and use the new lego along with all my old lego to create monsters (With moving limbs!) Or cars(With steering and suspension) The models on the boxes were never good enough for me.
When I was a little older, my favourite thing was to go and play in the forest behind my friend's house. We built a fort that was weatherproof and had a cupboard filled with canned foods. We'd spend whole weekends up there, far away from the real world, cooking with a billy can and drinking fresh mountain water from the spring. We learned how to fell a tree and strip the bark, how to roll up the pine needle carpet on the floor to make waterproof roofing, how not to set fire to an entire forest with our cooking fire and how to catch almost any animal we saw.
When I got a little older, I got into bicycles quite seriously. I rode every single day, dreamed about riding at school and neglected my homework and school sports to go riding. I liked it so much that I got a job at a bicycle shop as a mechanic and sales person. I loved figuring out how to fix things and getting my hands dirty. When my boss decided to open a second shop, he asked me and a friend to build all the shopfitting for him. We spent 6 weeks building a drywall strong enough to hold 8 bikes on hooks, display cabinets and the main counter.
These days I have a beard and sit in front of a computer designing things for the internet and making music.
Am I a real man?
i agree with both of you. i prefer my man to be manly. more hugh jackman than hugh grant.
i definitely don't want a guy who's going to scream along with me when there's a spider in the house... ;)
Haha, loved this post T! I have to admit that when i see The Captain doing 'manly' things like building fences i get all weak kneed. Something that's been spoken about quite a lot lately is the 'Alpha Male' - that guy who is (in my opinion) part of the last century - the one with ever-so-slightly-concealed misogynist/chauvinist tendencies - for me, there is no space left for these kind of men yet they are around, treating their partners like their property. In my mind, an Alpha Male is one who embraces his masculinity but who endeavours to treat women respectfully, equally and yes, sensitively. On the other hand i am allergic to the man-hater ads and jokes that float around - they feel no better than stereotypical dumb blonde jokes. Rant over. Have a happy day and hope you are well - see you in Stanford soon. V xx
both ideally.
In the end, it's each to his own. Personally I think it takes a real woman to want a real man ;)
blah! I'm a man, a "real man" as you put it. A man who, in the words of the legend Ron Burgandy, discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. I build my own furniture, if stuff breaks out comes my mighty toolbox and I fix it. I take stuff apart for the hell of it and then put it back together (whether it works or not after is besides the point). I can cook pretty damn well, as well as hunt and skin in a flash. I say what I want and damn the world. I don't spend time in the gym, I only look in the mirror to shave or to pull a splinter from my eye. I think men's beauty products are laughable and would rather face the point of a bayonet than use them. And I'm single. And I plan to stay that way as long as I can. I'm single because I choose to be. I have options, but you woman are all the same. You have absolutely no idea of what you want! I'm beginning to believe that your choices are made purely on the basis of the current girl movie of the month. Now it's the sensitive horse whisperer type, then the manly rugged type, then the suave sophisticated Bond type. Just make up your minds already!
Hilarious, Shelldon. I think different women want different things. There are plenty of girls who like feminine guys, for instance, just as there are plenty men who like retarded, mute anorexics. Like I said in my earlier comment, it takes a real woman to want a real man. The question is - do you want a real women?
after a dismal past dating mostly 'metrosexual' males who are almost more girly than me, it makes for a wonderful change to finally date an alpha male - who can build a cupboard in an afternoon, pull a stuck Touareg from the sand, dive crayfish, braai like a demon but who can also do yoga, like cats, eat salad and talk about his feelings. But I make the salad... balance is a beautiful thing.
Here here! If we wanted to date women...heh heh
Thay, we have had this discussion many times. There are so many beautifully sensational Wild Women. Goddesses. Where are our equals? Where are the men that are inspired by a woman in all her complexities, a woman unafraid of expressing every part of her Self. Where are the men that are unafraid to explore and know all those parts of her, without the fear of trying to control her. These Wild Men as you state have forgotten how to be wild. They are asleep and they need to wake up. The real Wild Man has the balance between the cliche'd sensitivity we have begged for for years, and the Wildish Nature of our Ancestors. Just like Goddesses balance femininity with Independence. We have become more and more in touch with our wildish woman selves, the women that follow the cycles of the moon, the camaraderie of fellow sisters, the community of mothers, the ones that demand the worshiping and equality of men. If we have the courage to explore and embrace the instinctive self, so should men. And women should not settle for anything less that an equal. Someone who can assume his role as man, and accept and love the aspects of real woman by connecting deeply. In this way, its about the balance of masculine and feminine together as a unit. As nature intends. Come on men, find the courage, its time to wake up and to wake up by yourself without the need to be guided and suckled by women.
Real men as nature intended. I agree wholeheartedly. Something that is interesting that is surfacing is how wounded men's perception is OF MASCULINITY. Perhaps therein lies the answer to our question.
Unfortunately they have only been commenting on Twitter, but some men feel that I've been sexist, in the way that blogging about men wanting 'pregnant subservient women' would be sexist. I did address this in the first paragraph of the post - do you feel it's a valid comparison?
Interesting article and debate. But does that mean that women are only women when cooking, cleaning and having babies?
a lot of time and consistent training has gone into creating a belief that masculinity is not ok; that the behaviour is deemed inappropriate. maybe a little cynical but the indepedent (As opposed to inter dependent), too self reliant and i-can-do-it-all-myself behaviour in some women has eaten away at the value of men and their role. i don't think it's just men who need to rediscover themselves. i think the negative perception a number of women hold of 'real men' behaviour needs evaluating.
Nah, of course it doesn't mean that :) It's about an archetype. And just as millions of women aren't feminine, millions more men aren't masculine - and we miss it. Where are the men who are courageous (and not apathetic posturing hipsters)? We all have our tastes and clearly there are a whole lot of women out there who have encountered a wild man and know exactly what I'm talking about :)
@dj_21'The feminine' has been suppressed throughout history by religion and society, therefore the pendulum will obviously swing too far before it settles. Men are expressing themselves, we're expressing ourselves. We're wounded, they're wounded. Like I said, it's my theory and I'm sticking to it - they've missed out on an essential part of their journey.
I love that my boyfriend is a great cook and helps clean the house. I never used to eat salad before I had his delicious salads. He doesn't know anything about cars or builds things, but he gets rid of spiders, takes out the trash and cleans up after the dogs. The most important thing is that I feel completely safe and loved with him.
I'm both. I grow our food, built much of our furniture, tend to our house, cook/clean and tackle household chores.
But I also cry, I hurt and at times as more than a little emotional, I think it's all about balance.
As long as my family are safe, and truly FEEL safe then I'm man enough for the task set out before me as a husband and father.
...and you make salads, don't you? Don't you?!!!
i'm both too. I surf and skateboard, i can change a fan belt or tyre, mow the lawn and take out the garbage. As a child, i played survival games, built tree houses, collected snails, and played with cars but I also had Barbies, picked flowers and tenderly dressed my dog up in baby clothes. I am a great cook,make a mean salad and adore shoes, pretty scarves and nail polish. What does that make me? ;)
Basically, i reckon there is space for of us, diversity of skills, talents and tendencies is what makes being human so beautiful.
The trick though is to find your perfect match.
Damn straight I make the salads, Ha Ha! In th house I built/renovated for us :P
Well i must be one of the lucky ones then as my man is "one of the ones that can fix and build things" :) Happiness
If a man gets lost in the woods. Fuck it. Just build a house.
At the end of the day Woman for the most part want it both ways, they want the wild man, the provider but they also want the "modern" man - sensitive, caring, romantic and intimate. As a male it is hard to strike a balance between the two and to know when either is required, it creates a battle within (well with me anyway) - I am a wild man at heart - it's hard sometimes as often in this life & time we live the wild man needs to be pushed back and kept hidden away only until he is needed. There is a great book on the subject called Manhood - by Steve Biddulph, good read for guys & ladies alike.
Beautifully put, and thank you for the book tip.
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